Im depressed, im upset, im disappointed. There's so many things revolving around my thoughts and i cant seem to make things work out well. Sometimes, i hate myself for trying to be a perfectionist. I expect so much from myself, even more from others. I expect to be the best, to have the best, to be perfect and have everything perfect. But the fearful truth is that nothing is perfect, and no one is perfect. I have flaws, you have flaws, he has flaws and everyone else have flaws. I feel that im expecting too much, im thinking too much, im demanding too much.
I felt very empty last night, i was moody, i was temperamental. I should be contented that i've got my pretty boy, but yet it seems like its not enough. I feel a gap between us, a gap i dont know how to mend and fill up with. Since young, i always expect people to change for me, to do things for me so i could be myself. To have a dominant self, to be the ruler, the in charge. I was selfish, i dont think for others but myself.
Now i feel a need to change, and ive been changing since i was in higher secondary. I tried to be very understanding, to put myself in your shoes and accept you for who you are because loving somebody is all about accepting their strengths and flaws. You're already to me, a close to perfect boyfriend material. You're someone i can ever hope for, you're the guy ive been waiting for, the guy ive been talking to God about. Now that he gave me you, im still not satisfied. WHY?! I hate myself, hate myself because im never satisfied. I always want more, more more and more!
Im so sorry boy, i made you upset last night. I didnt mean to make you hurt, didnt mean to make you feel the way you felt. Im sorry boy, i should be even more understanding, i should be even more thoughtful.
Maybe because everything started off at the wrong track, we expressed our feelings for each other too early just because we're afraid of losing one another. We skipped the whole in between process and went straight to the end. I dont know if this is good or bad, and i dont even dare to think about what our future may bring. But i have low confidence in myself, cos nothing good comes out everytime i try ot make it work.
Maybe we should try to get to know each other even better, even closer and be even more comfortable. Boy, i just wish you'll ask me out more often, give me more surprises cos i love it to the max. I wanna see you more often, cos one day without the sight of you makes my heart grow fonder for they say 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'.
You know you're an eye candy of so many, i feel so stressful. But yet i know, i can fully trust and depend on you. Boy, please give me your ultimate trust too. You know that you're just as important to me, and you're the one person that i love and i dont wanna love anyone else but you.
Maybe im just thinking too much into things, everything is going on well and smooth. Im just expecting too much. Gotta incessantly remind myself that i gotta learn to be satisfied. You're already a wonderful gift to me from God, and i ought to be happy with what i have - you. Having you is already the best thing that can ever happen to me. I feel that i dont deserve a wonderful guy like you, i feel that im not good enough for you. I feel inferior, i feel lousy. But its you that made me feel blessed. I was so delighted when u said you wouldnt wanna know what my past is, and i truly thank God for you. ilu, my pretty boy.
* yours truly.
amber.ruoxuan\\twenty\
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20051987\\single\\operations analyst @ credit suisse\\friendster*
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